Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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