Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
