scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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