I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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