remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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