if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
