yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
