the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
