i just had sex bonerless
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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