I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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