Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
