New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
