So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
