fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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