She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
