if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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