She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
