I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
