You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
