Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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