Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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