is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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