I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize