that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
