Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
