new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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