you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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