i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
