I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
