I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
