He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
