He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
