and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Even my vagina gasped.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
