I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
