Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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