I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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