i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
did i walk over a car last night?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
