So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You've changed since you got that strap on
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