I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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