my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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