omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
