1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The best revenge is premature balding
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
