if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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