3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
