Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
