what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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