oh god the rape fog is back!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize