its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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