Soap is not a condiment
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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