i barfeds in our rink
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
