How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
