I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
