Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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