Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
