im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
