Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
As shirtless as possible
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
