Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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