girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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