I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
