Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
