it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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